Teenage Twins go through some amazing physical and emotional changes, they have to grow-up physically and are often mentally under pressure from parents, peers, and school. It is a time when they are increasingly expected to think for themselves, they have tough issues to address and need someone to turn to for advice. For some things they will turn to their friends, for other things they will have no option but to turn to you.
Parents often worry that they perhaps don't have the right answers to the problems of their children or feel embarrassed to discuss topics relating to sex, drugs, smoking and so on. Parents of teenage twins also have to deal with the issues that can affect twins of this age such as their need for going a separate way to their twin perhaps, or feeling that they are in direct competition with their twin, as well as needing to find out exactly who they are as a person without always having to refer to their twin.
Also children are perceived to grow up at an earlier age these days and can experience physical changes much sooner than ever before.
Changes in body shape. 
Teenagers are often worried that they are developing either too fast or too slow, this could be an issue with same sex twins if one does not develop as quickly as their twin.
Boy Girl twins are less likely to experience physical changes at the same rate but you could explain to each of them what changes will happen, tell your son all about periods and your daughter all about how your sons voice will break and so on, hopefully to help them accept whatever is happening without fuss or teasing.
Changes in school
Some children will move up to high school when they are 11 (others will go at 13, depending on your area) this is a good time to reassess whether you want them keeping in the same class or separating ( if your children have not been separated yet perhaps it might be worth considering now they are a bit older?)
The first few terms of high school can be particularly tiring for your children especially if they are having to travel some distance to get there.
They will be having to find their way round a new building, get used to new rules and routine and are very likely to have to work to a different level and probably will be getting homework for the first time in any real quantity.
They may also have to tackle new subject such as a foreign language which they might not have had to do before which combined with having to meet new people ( friends and teachers) and cope with physical changes too can leave your child feeling very very tired, a little on edge and possibly stressed.
How can you help?
You can help by providing support, tasty nutritious meals to keep their energy levels up, help them to organise their time wisely so they can incorporate time off for relaxation, complete schoolwork and do some exercise as well as spending time with friends.
If you can help them to get plenty of rest too, this can also help.If you can remain calm, this will all help, being grouchy with them is not going to help!!
Parenting Teenage Twins
When parenting teenage twins it is important to lay down a few ground rules - that are nonnegotiable such as what is acceptable behaviour, maintaining regular study patterns etc. Having a few ground rules will help enormously as everyone knows what the ground rules are, and it helps give the twins some stability.
However it is equally important to be a listening ear for your twins, and to be firm but cool (cool as in relaxed!) whenever possible. If you fly into a rage every time they admit to doing something that they probably shouldn’t have done, they are not going to confide in you and this could lead them to do all manner of dreadful things that they might not do if they are able to talk to you about it in a relaxed way. Research has found that where parents talk to their children in a grown up but not embarrassing way, the teenagers have a much lower incidence of teenage pregnancy and so on.
When parenting teenage twins be aware of their need to do their own thing and often follow their own path. Sometimes parents of twins try to treat the twins as a group and then get completely baffled when faced with a frustrated twin who really DOESN’T want to do football. Find out what each twin wants to do and encourage them to follow their own dreams.
They may be interested in the same things, which is fine, but make sure that one isn’t just doing what the other one wants to do, for the sake of family peace! This also applies to choosing GCSE subjects. Just because Molly loves Physics doesn’t mean to say that Ollie wants to do it! By allowing them to choose their own subjects is giving them a chance to shine in their own right as well as do subjects that actually interest them, as we all know that you are likely to get a higher grade if you are doing a subject that genuinely interests you.
You’re not living in a hotel!!!
Another conflict often affecting parents of twins is their perpetual need for money, designer goods, the latest equipment, and a constant free taxi service, combined with hotel style room service, laundry service and room clearance service, in return for grouchy behaviour, door slamming, and your house been turned into what appears to be a bombsite! Great deal, eh? NOT!!
There are ways of combating this. Firstly they do NOT need to have room service (unless ill) Whilst their room should be their responsibility, it should be kept at a reasonable level of hygiene ( provide laundry baskets, and attempt to show them how to use it) if they don’t use it, simply refuse to do any laundry, they will soon get the message when their designer pre-ripped jeans are not available for a hot night out. It should be possible to safely get from one side of their bedroom to the other without loosing life or breaking limbs.
Buy a tray, so that they can put their 700 mouldy mugs on the tray, this saves them having to stuff them underneath their bed!
Money, Mummy, Money!
Money is something that is slightly more complex, as different people have different approaches to money issues. Some parents issue a “monthly allowance” each (which is quite high but from this their twins are expected to pay for cinema tickets, dvd’s, cd’s/ downloads, bus fares, clothes, etc.) the parents still pay for food, etc.
Other parents decide that their twins should have a smaller monthly or weekly amount which is basically for just the luxuries of life like sweets or chocolates, magazines, and that kind of thing. Clothes, and leisure pursuits are paid by the parent.
Other parents simply prefer to say “if you want money, go earn it!” which is something to consider once your child is 15+ It is amazing how little a child wants designer goods once they are made to pay for them! this also teaches them more about handling money too.
One good tip when dealing with young people of all ages is to show them that when your money is gone (or reached your agreed amount) it has gone - it should not be topped up by the parent. This may help teens stop overspending
or expecting mum and dad to cough up every time their purse is empty.
It is NOT a competition!!
Some parents of twins experience a fierce competitiveness in their twins. Having a same age sibling can be wonderful but equally can be awful due to having someone your own age living in your house as a constant reminder of how you are doing (or not doing as the case may be!) Twins can sometimes berate themselves for not getting as good a mark as their twin, or gloat for getting a better one or for being picked for the team or the school play when the other one has not.
Physical changes can also be ammunition for twins competitiveness. Girl twins do not necessarily start their periods at the same time, so there can be a little competition over things like this. Boys may develop at different rates too, and if this is the case you may find you have to stop the one who has developed first from gloating and the one who has yet to catch up plenty of soothing and reassurance that it will soon be their turn.
Girlfriends and Boyfriends
Girlfriends and Boyfriends can also cause problems especially when one twin is ready for a relationship and their twin is not (or when one twin has a date and the other one is between dates), expect plenty of teasing. Sometimes the arrival of a partner can cause upset within the twin dynamic especially if the twins have been very close and used to putting each others needs first. However they need to learn to accept each others choice of partner otherwise problems can occur when life partners are chosen.
These are issues that affect mainly families with Twins
The problem with sharing a room
Some of you will be lucky and have enough space for your twins to have a room each if they would like to have one. Others of you either just simply won’t have the space for them or will have chosen to keep the twins in the same bedroom.
By the time your twins reach teenage, you will find that they may need an increasing amount of personal space. They may want to entertain their own friends, or put their own posters on the walls. Or they may want to be very tidy or very messy. They may need to work when the other one would like to play. This can create problems (and squabbles) and you will have to sort it out!
You might find that you have to have special place somewhere else in the house for your twins to use either as a study or as a play area, so that the one who wants to study can do that without being disturbed by their twin. You could use a infrequently used dining room, or convert the garage into a chill out zone for your teenage tearaways.
Sharing Equipment such as the computer.
if you cannot afford (or choose not) to get them a PC each, you may have to set up a fair system for them to do their work on the PC. This could be an informal system, or one that is more formally timetabled in to the families weekly schedule. It can be very frustrating if one twin wants to do some work and the other one wants to do their work at the same time. It is possible to get 2 or more computers and network them together so that anyone in the household can use any computer, still access the internet and thus put paid to the constant “its my go now” squabbles over equipment.
Television / Music/ Peace n Quiet in a shared room
It is going to happen, your twins both wanting to do something totally contradictory at the same time. One twin might want to work on their school project or to read,, and the other one might want or sleep, or watch television or play music (or play their instrument) The solution to this is to either give them some headphones or teach them to compromise, so that one person can do their thing first and the other one do their thing second, or suggest that one of them uses a different room in the house for their activity.
Need for individuality
By the time your twins are in their late teens they will need to be quite clear about who they are as an individual, rather than just Lotties twin! They need to know what kind of things they like, what values they hold and generally who they are. People so far will probably mainly know them as “one of the twins” but when they get out into the world they will just be seen as an individual, not one of twins (unless they both go to the same uni, or get jobs in the same building.)
Sometimes twins find that the minute that they have to operate individually they feel lost as people are not paying quite as much attention to them as they have in the past (people cross streets to see twins, or at least blink and look twice) when you are a singleton for the first time ever, noone notices you unless you are doing something unusual, or if you are wearing a whacky outfit. This can cause twins who are on their own to behave in an attention seeking way (being very funny, or naughty, or whatever) just so they get the attention they are so used to.
Teenage Twins at School
The change from primary school to high school can be a shock to the system, especially if it means longer days (perhaps traveling to school by bus or other public transport) and having to do homework. This is combined with having to arrive at school with the correct books, wearing the correct uniform, and taking P.E. kit on the correct day. If your children have been at a smaller school they may find it a little daunting negotiating their way round a bigger building.
But don’t worry unduly about this as most teenagers settle in nicely fairly guickly, and your children at least will have each other somewhere within the school area if there is a problem of any sort.
Together or Separate?
Again you may be faced with the choice between keeping your twins together or putting them in separate classes. Again you may find that the school has a blanket policy of either keeping twins together or separate. If you disagree with their policy, it would be worth contacting the head teacher and finding out if you can negotiate for your twins to be grouped how you would prefer it. Often you find at high school that pupils are grouped in streams according to ability for lessons and only kept together for registration at the beginning of the morning and afternoon sessions.
If the twins are kept together at school all day long you might want to find other ways of giving them some space at home as sometimes twins need a little time apart. Encourage outside activities according to interest and encourage them to have their individual friends.
What do you mean you can only get one twin into this school?!
One other thing to consider is that schools do NOT have to accept BOTH your twins, so you could be faced with the same school or not dilemma (I have heard of a case of this faced by a parent of twins. I suggested she contacted the head of the school she wanted them both to go to and appeal, as well as appealing to the education authority. The outcome of this was both twins ended up in the same high school. However some parents positively elect to send their twins to different schools where there are a selection of good schools to choose from. You will be given chance to state what you would prefer and the choice is up to you.
Each set of twins are different so what works for someone else’s twins just might not work for yours and vice versa.
Sets and Streaming
Not all twins will be the same academic level, some sets of twins may have one twin who is substantially brighter than the other one, and in this case you will probably find that one twin is put into a higher set or stream (or working level) than his or her twin. This is absolutely fine as twins should be allowed to work at their own individual level. However you might find that the twin who is slightly less academically able may feel upset at not being in the same high group as his or her twin. Keep reassuring them both that they are doing fabulously and try not to let the one who is more academic gloat too much about it :) Praise both of them for their individual efforts and achievements. Never say “oh well Susan is good at maths so why aren’t you” Remind them that they should follow their own life path and improve on their own personal best, not try to be like their twin.
Subject Choices
Encourage your twins to choose subjects that they are interested in. It does NOT matter if they choose different subjects. What does matter is they do something that they find interesting as it is easier to get a higher grade if you are interested in a subject than if you find it very boring.
Look at what subjects are offered at a higher level too and any subject requirements specified for courses at AS and A level and also colleges/ Uni.
School Grades and Study Schedules
When your children do exams, encourage them to have a go and do their best. Try hard not to let them compare their grades as each one must try their hardest and do their personal best. Encourage regular studying (preferably where they both have to do some quality study rather than simply argue with each other.) and give them regular breaks.
The optimum time to concentrate is 20 mins at a time. Ensure that they have regular healthy snacks and get plenty of sleep.
It can be hard however if one child is very capable and can get 70%+ in a test when the other twin can get 60% after a long hard slog.
Encourage the one who finds it harder to keep going and trying as hard as possible.
When the grades do arrive through the post be as supportive and positive as possible.
Dealing with Teenage Twins Challenging Behaviour
You can make life easier for yourself by setting ground rules, being firm but kind and supporting them as much as you possibly can. Helping them to organise themselves with their school life and studying, and giving them plenty of examples on how to get out of sticky situations (without lecturing them) will also help.
Ensure they have plenty of good quality food, regular breaks, and plenty of time to sleep and enjoy themselves as well as working hard at their school work and part time jobs.
Make it very clear what you do and don’t expect of them and treat them nicely as this will help them feel good about themselves. It can be a confusing and difficult time when you are a teenager, your body does all kinds of unexpected things and you are put under pressure to do all sorts of things that you might not have tried before. Peer group pressure is on as well as pressure to get good grades and so on, when in actual fact your poor body is wanting to grow and rest (which is why you find teenagers probably spend at least as much of their time asleep as small children!)
By the time your children get to be in their early teens you may have to contend with issues such as times you expect them to be home on a school night, sleep overs at friends houses, them being wherever they say they are going to be. Also there are the issues of underage drinking, underage sex and the availability of drugs.
Setting a sensible curfew especially on school nights is essential as late nights can lead to poor concentration and over tiredness which can in turn lead your teen to getting lower grades at school. Also it shows you care.
Hormonal Problems
Teenagers bodies are full of rampant hormones doing unexpected things. Expect a bit of door slamming, long faces, grunting and comments of “I hate you” and “Its not fair!” It is hard for parents especially when having to deal with two helpings of hormones at the same time. Try to remain calm and don’t let it get you down. Ensure they have a good quality diet and get plenty of rest and exercise. Like toddler tantrums, it is just a phase and will go away, and you’re certainly not the only one suffering from hormone induced parenting problems. At least by the time you have two teenagers having tantrums you can go to the supermarket without them, so you don’t have to bear witness to them having a funny at the checkout :-)
Teenage Depression
Some teenagers suffer from depression, due to being under great pressure from their peers, school, exams, work, family etc. Try to remain upbeat but ensure them that they CAN do it, and that life is what they make it, and that if they are unhappy only they can do anything to make it better! If you are worried, then book them an appointment with the GP as it is important that they do not get very low.
Going Alone - the Late/ Post Teenage years
Once your twins become adults you may find that they increasingly need to do their own thing, pursue careers of their choice and possibly go to universities at opposite ends of the country. (some may even travel the world!) This may feel like a huge step for twins as it is likely to be the first real time they have to spend any amount of time alone, doing whatever suits them.
Some twins may find that they struggle when no one notices them- having been very used to turning heads everywhere they go. They also might find it hard to be alone having been so used to having a fairly constant companion throughout their early life. They may solve this problem by insisting on having a wide social life, always ensuring they have a companion of the moment , thus ensuring they do not spend huge amounts of time alone. Equally they might find solace in having a bit of space and time for themselves.
If they become withdrawn you may need to offer encouragement and support - they can go it alone, it may be hard at first but it is possible. They can still keep in close contact via either telephone, text message, e-mail, post or by meeting up regularly.
Encourage them to stick at their university course even if they are missing their twin a lot, as it is important that they do not give up on opportunities too quickly as after a period of readjustment most twins manage to form friendships with other people and carve a successful career for themselves.
You may need to be aware that some twins when faced with going it alone find it hard to cope without all eyes on them, therefore start displaying signs of attention seeking behaviour (perhaps being the class clown, or by drinking too much or sleeping around or doing other things that are guaranteed to get them talked about. This should be noted and if it becomes a problem addressed (again this can sometimes clear up without any additional parental input) if you do need help in resolving this situation or have any other questions about twins then please do get in touch as Twinsonline is always on hand to answer any questions you have regarding parenting twins.
Some twins find it daunting having to make their own decisions for the first time, based on what they like as an individual, keep encouraging them to have a go.
©Copyright Twinsonline www.twinsonline.org.uk 2003-8 All Rights Reserved.
Page Last Updated
June 16, 2008
Disclaimer:- Twinsonline is here as a guide only - anything you do you do at your own risk
If you have a health concern please go see the relevant member of your health team (GP, Health Visitor, Midwife, Obstetrician)
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |